There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Always the camel, never the toe.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”