Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Good morning.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.