What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
this has to be peak English
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.