saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.