Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Anime is real
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.