Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Bike for sale
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT