Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Time heals everything 🙂
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit