Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.