A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Am I having a stroke?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell