I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
You Might Also Like
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.