Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
This is not me but this is me
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’