(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me too 😆
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.