Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!