I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Sorry not sorry.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.