Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane