My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
A roof is a house hat.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?