wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!