like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
i would wish you the best but i am the best