Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Ken is short for chicken
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”