This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Ok but actually
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”