I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
pretending all the cars I鈥檓 passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they鈥檙e just driving somewhere
Dog sitting my sister鈥檚 terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It鈥檚 cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN鈥橳 WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN鈥橳 OPENER
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
This kid will have a bright future.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don鈥檛 like it here
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you鈥檙e walking.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor鈥檚 dog. I鈥檓 not gonna tell him.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can鈥檛 believe he hasn鈥檛 dropped his ice cream.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.