I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?