*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
You Might Also Like
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me