[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.