Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.