Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.