the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I am never leaving this website
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.