Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You Might Also Like
that wasn’t the question
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.