My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
WHY would you be happy about this?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”