Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable