Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
this post was so formative to me
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
This is the best one I’ve seen
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers