Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Hello Twits.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
i’m sure it’s fine
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.