A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Truth
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.