Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Best mom ever 😂
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help