it was love at first sight
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.