A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
We found love in a hopeless place.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.