BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?