You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.