I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
A short story about romance.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life