wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed