In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You Might Also Like
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
#Caturday
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.