“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I think we should hear other voices.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.