Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
This is sending me to another galaxy
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.