Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
how much does a mortician urn in a year
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill