Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
😬
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
This is the one
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah