“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Barbie gone wild
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you