History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”