Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Encore…
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”