You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.