[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.